you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
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I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
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If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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