Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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