I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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