saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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