U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
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I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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