the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize