I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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