I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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