Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
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She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
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i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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