WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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