how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize