Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize