You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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