I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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