Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
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He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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