Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
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She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
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I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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