I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
