You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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