life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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