Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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