I didn't shave. On purpose
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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