my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
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i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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