my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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