There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
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So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
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For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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