Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize