everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
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I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
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Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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