There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
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I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
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I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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