I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
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I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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