paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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