you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
