I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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