she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
