he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
