She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
