What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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