This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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