I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize