Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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