Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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