fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize