Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
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booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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