I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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