note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
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Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
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