did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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