The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
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This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
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did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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