i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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