I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
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He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
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There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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