First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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