I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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