Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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