i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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