What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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